this year long relationship

one year ago today, I arrived in Chile.

It's been such a long journey if I really think about it...and yet sometimes that year went by so fast. I know that I've learned so much but I'm not sure what I've learned. I just feel different. I feel better, stronger, smarter, prouder and just more...me I guess. I don't know how that happened but it did and I know it's a direct result of being in Chile - the people I've met (good and not so good), the language, the hurdles I've encountered, the food I've eaten and the places I've seen.

Things are different here, but not so much so that I feel like I am in a strange place. I notice small differences in politeness for example, work ethic, irresponsible behaviour, public displays of affection and lifestyle but I guess the only thing that really makes me feel like I'm sooo far from home is the lengthy plane ride. I don't know how much longer I'll be in Chile and it was just in September when I made the decision to stay here longer than I originally anticipated, but I think I could stay or return to this place for longer. It's a simple place to live.

Below are two pictures of me, wearing the same dress almost one year apart. Of course there are from very different situations but just looking at these pictures I can see and feel the difference in what I've learned and who I am...with or without the friends I'm standing next to.

Sometimes though, I feel like I should start "doing" something with my life...and that's strange because to be honest, I think I'm finding and learning more about life here than I could in a career in North America. It's interesting to encounter older men and women here from other parts of the world that say they had the career, marriage, family and all of that...things they thought they wanted and they realized when they couldn't get out that it wasn't what they wanted at that time in their life. I don't think my married friends or the people I know with great careers are in any way doing the wrong thing...I'm proud of you for that...I'm proud of them. But it's not what's right for me at this point. Not just yet. And even though I have this doubt sometimes (that I think has been implanted into my mind from 'western cultre') about where my life is going and the whole meaning of it...I try to think about the people in my life that inspire me to just LIVE.

Just over a week ago, my granddad passed away. He had been suffering....no wait...he had been diagnosed with cancer, diabetes and had other ailments for a while. He never complained and therefore...I take back the word "suffer". My granddad was such a strong man...even in his last month of life and I think the more aware I was of his age and his declining health...the more he indirectly taught me how to live.

I received news last year in April I think it was that my granddad was very sick and doctors said he may not live much longer. I made the difficult decision that I would stay in Chile, even if something happened to him. And I did stay. I wrote him a letter of the things I would want to say to him if I could. I sent that in an email to my dad and my dad read it to my granddad.

In December of last year I was fortunate enough to visit my family for one month. One person I was especially excited to see...my granddad. I was able to spend a lot of time with him even if it wasn't anything extra special. I knew these visits in December were going to be our last and so I appreciated them when they happened. My granddad still gave good strong hugs and made me laugh up until the last day I visited him. I felt a little lucky knowing that he and I knew our last minute together. We knew that when I left for Chile, not only were we saying goodbye because I was leaving...but because he would be leaving too.

My granddad was always a really positive person and I will always remember him for that. I rarely ever saw him complain or bicker about things. And I think when I did see him argue about things, it was almost just for fun. I didn't go home for his funeral but I think he knows I'm thinking of him and I'm happy he's in a better, less painful place right now...wherever it is.

I think knowing that my granddad was going to die, made me think a lot about what I'm doing in Chile..what I'm doing in life. I've tried to really make an effort to enjoy the things and people around. Enjoy the life I've got and the choices I am able to make in how I can live my life. I'm grateful that my granddad was one of my many teachers in lessons of positivity and happiness in simple things like creating fun or adventure out of almost nothing. He will be missed but of course, never forgotten.

I'm happy that I've been here for one year. It feels like an accomplishment. I feel like I'm really being me and I'm learning about who "me" really is. It's a cool process when doing so in another country and sometimes in another language. I guess after all, I'm just grateful for this experience.

Happy one year to me. Salud!

love love.

jac