its a love hate thing

i may as well start by saying...i love chile. i love teaching english (im not teaching at the moment...but i HAVE taught English here and will be teaching again next week), the mountains, the people, the generosity, the palm trees, the lights, the quirky spanish, the sound the loose sidewalk cement tiles make when you walk on them, and the feeling of realizing that i'm now LIVING in Chile. I love it here and would only change one thing. 

I hate spanish. i love it because its beautiful (i love just listening to people speak in spanish because its so soothing and pretty). i hate it because i don't know it. i'm not about to spend my time bitching about not knowing something...@ least not without addressing my attempts to learn and the fact that i have been teaching myself. i arrived here without knowing more than 5-10 words in spanish. the basics - hola, si, gracias, habla ingles?, chao, no entiendo...

(hello, yes, thank you, do you speak english?, bye and i don't understand) so now when i can understand and answer simple questions about who i am and what i'm doing here in chile and for how long...im pretty proud of myself. i have taken NO classes other than the ones I conduct for myself. 

i've been told that this makes me brave and adventurous. "wow that's so cool and brave of you!"...says a friend of mine. yeah...its great and exciting and everything except i cant even order a hamburger! i feel like i can't do anything without someone holding my hand to help me through it. i'm a lost little puppy here when it comes to spanish. it's a cute idea and everything and although i have people around me all the time to help...it's a lonely feeling. i'm a 23 year old, successful woman with a university AND tefl degree. I know my stuff...however...4 year old children can spit out spanish sentences more comprehensible than mine. 

i've learned here that language is one of the most valuable things you can own. even if you have a 5,000,000 karat diamond ring...you can't do anything with it unless you have language. you can't tell your friends about it, you can't sell it or put it on display and charge people tons of money to see it...without language. i've come to a very clear, undeniable realization. Language can do more for you than money ever can. have you ever thought about that? money can buy you anything in the world. BUT if you can't say what you want or know where to get it...you just have a pile of money to sit on and nothing to do with it. if you can't read or write or speak language...you can't do anything. you can't eat, you can't go places, you can't have a job...you can't do anything. 

so with that said...not knowing a language that you are surrounded by...is one of the loneliest feelings. i enjoy my own time, my own space. i don't mind being alone and sometimes, i prefer it...but here when you know that you can't walk outside and discuss anything you want with anyone...you're alone. plain and simple. like i said...i love chile and im so happy here. but sometimes...the language barrier can remind you that you're different...you're not from here and you don't belong.

chileans are a very helpful and generous breed of people. once they hear a foreigner (also known as a 'gringo') speak spanish...they know they are going to have to slow down and realize they are going to have a humorous conversation that probably won't make sense. and while this is a fun and silly situation....i've had enough of them already.

maybe i'm being dramatic here, i know i'm not a failure...because i CAN understand some conversations people are having. I've been able to say where im from, where i'm living now, what i like to do, where i work and how long I will be here. I know how to say how old I am and to ask other people how they are doing. I know that zappatos are shoes and that palta is avacado. I have even convinced a lady on the bus that she was going in the right direction to get to the subway. I did this all in Spanish...not perfect Spanish, but Spanish none the less. It is difficult however to have the feeling of unpreparedness or uneasiness when you walk out into the street and have no idea really how to ask for help with something or how to answer an question someone may ask.

i believe that sometimes things come along at the most beautiful times to help us in our journey. we are brought problems in life and if we are unable to find a solution, help comes along to make it a bit easier. so...not only does the tooth fairy exist...but now i know there is a language fairy as well:

today was my second and last day of on the site job training at the school i will be working at. i had a quick meeting with my boss where he asked if i was offered the 2 weeks of FREE spanish classes. 'ummmm NO!?' i said. he told me that he would try to work something out. before i knew it i was back in my room at home completing a placement test for my first ever spanish class. with no surprises i scored in the beginner level on my placement test and my first lesson is on monday. maybe this is my ticket out of lonely-ville?! wish me luck!

chao x

love and miss